"I'm afraid the cancer will come back"

Remission does not always bring the long-awaited peace of mind. It happens that despite the victory over cancer, the fear does not disappear. And even increases. Most often, it occurs in parents, not children, who adapt more quickly to new circumstances.

Mothers who have experienced long-term treatment of their children are often unable to accept that everything is over. "It's too good to be true," they think, and they prepare for the worst. The life of such a mother consists of continuous anxious waiting and hyper-protection of her child, which makes her life stressful, and under the scrutiny of her mother with her endless "can'ts" it becomes a real trap. How to get out of it? How to overcome the fear of cancer recurrence in your child and finally start living a new life?

Children don't stop being children when they get cancer. In difficult circumstances, they find opportunities for play, joy and friendship. For them, play is life. That is why, when the long-awaited recovery comes, they do not throw away the memories from the hospital. After all, their friends and doctors are still there, and they have become attached to them. The same cannot be said about adults who try to forget it all as soon as possible. And they try so hard to do so that they forbid themselves and others to even say the word, becoming superstitious.

It's normal to be afraid for a short period of time, right up until the markers show a negative result for all indicators. How can you not be anxious after everything you've been through? But after such a test, the fear goes away, and you can safely go to the nearest coffee shop to celebrate the good news.

When good tests are not comforting and even frightening, this is irrational fear. You need to get rid of it as soon as possible so that it does not turn into a psychological trauma, which makes it difficult to overcome the fear of a relapse on your own.

Although it has not been scientifically proven that an illness can be invented, life in such conditions is not healthy either. It all boils down to constant checking of tests, talking only about the disease or, conversely, keeping it quiet, and these are all the same experiences.

Few people around her can stand to be around such a person. In the end, she remains alone. Alone with her fear of cancer recurrence.

Where fear is born?

Fear is often caused not by real instances of danger, but by internal, far-fetched experiences. But they affect the brain as if they were real. There is only one conclusion - stress. It's good when it's temporary. Our body is designed to cope with it. But if stress hormones are produced non-stop, this will cause real harm.

Any fear, including the fear of recurrence in cancer, is born in the amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the brain that plays a key role in the formation of emotions, including fear, decision-making, emotional reactions, and memory. How does it work?

Often, parents who have lost their children do not want to live in the neighborhood where they used to live. They are sure that if they pass the kindergarten where they took their child, their hearts will break. But that's what the amygdala says. But in reality, if they do walk that way one day, they will be convinced that they are able to cope with it. And the more often they do this, the less fear they will have.

Amygdala "sees" the danger and signals us: "Do not go there. It will be bad." We get worried, our hands, feet, and head get cold - a consequence of the release of cortisol (a stress hormone) into the bloodstream. The moment of choice comes: to go on or not. We are the masters of the entire system, so it is up to us, not the amygdala, to decide.

There's a great book by neurophysiologist John Ardon called Taming the Amygdala and Other Brain Training Tools. It explains that our brains are neuroplastic, and therefore can be reprogrammed to avoid stress and feel happy. The author shares exercises on how to improve mood, sleep well, and get rid of anxiety, including the fear of cancer recurrence.

According to Ardon's method, to start reprogramming the brain, you must first concentrate. Where attention goes, energy goes. When you focus on a new piece of information, action, or object, you signal to your brain that you should pay attention to it. Then you should make an effort to start forming neural connections. In other words, new habits. Once the action becomes habitual, you can relax. To make this state permanent, you should practice what you have learned every day.

After going through these four steps, new neural connections are made in the brain. What's happening can be compared to a new path that you make in the jungle. Thanks to this, you can get to your destination easier and faster. An important condition is not to let the path become overgrown.

Thus, whenever you feel fear approaching, it is important to be aware of it and make efforts to overcome it. For example, instead of going around the hospital where the child was treated, take the usual route. If it's hard at first, it will get easier. The longer you avoid something that causes fear, the stronger it becomes.

How to overcome the fear of cancer recurrence?

Breathe.

The ability to relax in time with the help of breathing is a skill that will come in handy in a stressful situation. Unfortunately, many people ignore it because of its simplicity.

At the first attack of fear, start breathing like this: four breaths in, four breaths out, four breaths in, four breaths out, and it will become easier.

In a state of fear, blood rushes to the internal organs to protect them, while the external organs are left unprotected. That's why our movements become stiff, we freeze, and our minds are not thinking clearly. Deep breathing helps to disperse the blood throughout the body, and we come to life.

Switch

Another method is to switch the emotional part of the right hemisphere to the rational part. To calm down, you just need to recall the multiplication table: 2 times 2 = 4, 3 times 3 = 9, and so on, until you feel that the fear has receded.

To do

We cannot think about two things at the same time. By switching our attention, we forget about anxiety and fear for a while in order to live and enjoy life to the fullest. What remains is to find the answer to the question: "What am I willing to spend my life doing?". It's not always easy to answer, but you can be sure that it's not something you don't like or want to do.

Control

One of the new habits that humanity has easily mastered is scrolling through social media. As we scroll through gigabytes of information, our brains cling to things that disturb us and feed our fears, rather than fight against them. When it doesn't find what we're looking for, we feel like something is missing. We end up scrolling until we get our fill of anxiety for the day.

Knowing about this brain trap, you can consciously focus your attention on how to cope with the fear of relapse, rather than feeding it: what techniques to practice, how to find something to do, where to go with your family on weekends.

Live

Always worrying about her child, a mother forgets about herself. "I don't have time to think about myself, my child is the only thing that matters," she thinks, ignoring the warning signs about her health. A mother who sacrifices herself will definitely not make her child happy. If she doesn't stop herself in time, she will leave her child without her.

On the other hand, without thinking about yourself, it is impossible to teach your child to take care of themselves. It's like telling him or her about the dangers of smoking while taking a drag on a cigarette.

Psychologist Anna Dzodziuk has an adult daughter with Down syndrome. But this doesn't stop her from acting in commercials, dancing, and being happy. And all thanks to her mother, who forty years ago, when her daughter was just born, ignored her amygdala, and with it the advice of her relatives to leave her favorite job and devote her entire life to caring for her child.

Perhaps she would have done so, but there was a wise pediatrician who had a different point of view: "Children love it when their parents live, not sacrifice. They like to do their favorite work. They love it when their mother has a manicure, hairstyle, a beautiful dress and smiles. Do you want to leave your girl without this? Find an opportunity to live not only your child's life, but also for your own pleasure. Believe me, it is possible. And this is the only condition under which your child will grow up happy."

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