If a serious illness occurs during a childhood crisis

Parents of children with cancer who are undergoing treatment are terrified of children's age-related crises. For them, it is primarily a conflict that manifests itself especially sharply against the background of the disease. On the other hand, when your child is in mortal danger, relatives are focused only on saving him or her, leaving all "peaceful" problems for later. Therefore, they do everything possible to extinguish the conflict as quickly as possible without interfering with its nature.

"My son has such a temper! It's hard to deal with him. He runs around, runs around..." the mother laments, watching the other children, who, unlike her son, lie silently in bed. It is obvious that they are sick. And it is almost impossible to tell from her son - except that he has no hair at all... But the active nature of her baby is a big plus that helps him overcome a serious illness. Continuing his life, in which all these injections and drips are definitely not the things that excite him more than games, cartoons and new friends, he is distracted from the bad, focusing his energy only on joyful moments. As a result, platelet counts go up.

In most cases, conflict based on childhood crisis is caused by us, adults, who do not understand its nature

Yes, it is difficult to let go of a child when he or she is seriously ill. Even if she is 18 years old. Her life is her mom's life. Everything that worries her worries her mom. They are one and the same. If there is no child, there is no mom. There is "we". "We have passed the tests," "We are already better," "We are already walking." And when, after recovery, the son or daughter begins to live his or her own life, the mother feels deeply unhappy, confused, and even betrayed, because a part of her is being torn away from her. And her child, in turn, begins to feel guilty because he or she is trying to get away from the one who has done so much for him or her. As a result, both are unhappy.

It is very difficult to let go of a child when they are seriously ill. Even if they are 18. But it is necessary to do so

Activity, stress resistance, optimism, determination, confidence, openness, curiosity, independence, and the ability to enjoy life - on the one hand. Depression, uncertainty, inertia, dependence, indifference, aggressiveness - on the other. This is the question. But the main thing in character is formed precisely during these age-related childhood crises. Even when our children are sick.

The main thing in the character is formed during the period of childhood crises

Childhood crises can be divided into 6 stages by age, not 2, as is generally believed. Thus, early childhood crises include the newborn crisis and the one-year-old crisis. A year later comes the crisis of the 3-year-old ("I'm on my own!"). It is followed by the crises of 7, 13, and 17 years after a long period of time. The good news is that all of these are normal and necessary, and that they do not last for years, but on average a few months. The way we, as adults, behave with our children during these crises will determine whether they will be beneficial or destructive.

So, what are the different types of children's psychological crises by age and why are they needed?

Newborn crisis is necessary for the baby to get everything he needs to feel as safe as possible. He is well-fed, his mother is always there for him - she is calm, gentle, joyful. It depends on this whether the child will accept himself in the future, whether he will treat people with trust, whether he will accept their help, whether he will be open to the world.

The crisis of a one-year-old child occurs when the baby begins to walk, expanding his or her boundaries and tasting the world around him or her: what he or she likes and what he or she does not. The child begins to speak, often naming objects as he or she understands them. That's why it's so important to tell him what's right in time.

The main parental phrase of this period is a gentle but insistent "You can't!", but with the obligatory presence of something that is also "possible"

"I'm on my own!" or the crisis of 3 years is necessary for the child to realize that he or she is an independent person who is able to take care of himself or herself. From this age, children begin to separate from their parents. But how to do this if the mother resists? You need to be stubborn, to get angry, so that she realizes that she is serious and that she "ALONE!" can already get dressed, pick up the buckwheat she has spilled, wash a cup or make dumplings. And it doesn't matter if she gets dressed somehow and a dumpling gets tangled in her hair - all this is trivial compared to her future self-confidence that she can do something without anyone else's help.

By pacifying her, punishing her, and overprotecting her ("Well, how can I let her go? She's just a baby..."), the mother makes it clear to the child that everything she does is initially bad, that it is better to keep her head down, that someone will do better than her, that it will not work out anyway.

"Let's do it together, not me doing it for you" - this is how parents should act during a childhood crisis.

It doesn't matter if she gets dressed in a strange way and a dumpling gets tangled in her hair - it's nothing compared to her future self-confidence that she can do something without anyone else's help

The crisis is 6-7 years old. This is a test of independence from parents, a gradual realization of your boundaries, and that you are no longer part of mom and dad, but part of the world around you, to which you have accumulated many questions. Hence the flurry of endless "Why?" questions about everything. Uncomfortable and scary ones. And we, adults, need to answer them seriously. Because when children ask ridiculous questions, they are definitely not joking, they just want to know how everything works in this big adult world, what the rules are for "playing" in it. And who better than us to introduce them to all its diversity.

We are our children's guides. To condemn them for being curious is to form a conditioned reflex in them: "curiosity is bad, and sometimes even painful. It is safer to sit in a hole and not know anything." This is where the legs of limitation, isolation, inertia, and complexity in relationships with a future partner grow from.

When asking funny questions, children are definitely not joking, they just want to know how everything works in this big adult world

The crisis of 13-14 years. Younger adolescence is the crisis of childhood. It is responsible for the ability to survive in this world and adapt to it. In this The adolescent is testing himself, outlining his guidelines - the beacons that will be his principles in the future. And our role in this "extreme" period is to become a mentor. Communication at such moments should definitely not be limited to the usual "How are things at school?". What he feels is what you should remember about him.

It will no longer be possible to deceive your son or daughter, as it used to be (what is there to hide). Children of this age can easily refute double standards by drawing their own conclusions. Smoking is bad, but your parents smoke? So it's okay, if you're careful. I'm not supposed to yell, but I get yelled at. So I can yell at those who are weaker. If my dad is rude to my mom, it means it's okay, it means it's okay to do that with girls. What is "normal" for your child and what is not is decided at this age rubicon.

During this period of childhood psychological crisis, the ability of children to turn their desires into dreams and later into goals is also superimposed. This is an incredibly fragile and crucial moment. Making fun of a child's desires, or even worse, forbidding them to "think about all sorts of nonsense," can deprive them of the happiness of creating, contemplating, and discovering. And even more so, to set goals and achieve them. All this will be inaccessible to him.

What is "normal" for your child and what is not is decided at this age rubicon

From 15 to 18 is the last crisis of childhood. That's the "difficult age". Its role is to help you finally separate from your parents. Do not think that by hanging a "do not enter" sign on the door of your room, your adult child is demonstrating his or her dislike for you. They are just "practicing" what it's like to live without you. You should not forbid him to be alone, to enter his room without knocking, to "pry" into his soul by asking too many personal questions. It is important for your child, who has grown up, to feel like the master of his territory. Allow him to do so. In return, he will respect yours.

It's important for your grown-up child to feel like the master of his or her own territory

It is always difficult to give up everything good. Hence the search for flaws in parents, provocation for conflict. The danger of this period is the mismatch between physical and psychological maturity. Willingness to act is good. But is the child ready to take responsibility for his or her actions? And in general, what is responsibility? They can't figure it out without us.

A crisis is not a conflict, but a transition. And each of them has its own purpose

Overcoming is always a discomfort, because our usual order of things is disturbed. That's why we resist, turning it into a conflict. But all you need to do is pull yourself together, exhale, and accept the new rules of the game.

Psychological support hotline fromPledges» the number 0 800 4000 23 is available:

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