Restoring landmarks

"Restoring Landmarks" is a project implemented by our oncologist Mariana Nych and volunteer Lyudmyla Filimoniuk in Lviv. Its idea is to create a therapeutic support group for parents of children who have recovered.

During long-term treatment, when every day parents have one goal - to save their child - everything else disappears from the horizon. Work, personal desires, friends, and even the family with other children become secondary. And when remission finally comes, it turns out that it is no longer possible to return to your old life, and it is difficult to let yourself and your child go into a new life. Sometimes it is so difficult that instead of rejoicing, creating, realizing, filling and coloring their lives with new impressions, parents destroy it by losing themselves, and most importantly, the trust and closeness of their child, who has to run away from their hypercare or withdraw into themselves.

The group helped parents hear themselves, their desires, find strength and inspiration to start living their lives; get rid of fear for their child, think about today, not the future, in which the disease may return; realize why they need to stop saying "we" and start saying "I", find resources in their losses and obstacles.

Six such meetings took place. Six successive steps to return to yourself

• The first meeting - about getting to know yourself, about understanding "who I am and what I am about today."
• The second - about your own boundaries: your own, your children's, and other people's. Where they end and where they begin, and why it is important to respect them.
• Third. - about feelings. About the ability to hear them, because they are the tuning fork of the soul that lets us know what hurts us.
• On fourth We talked about the nature of emotions. In particular, about fears that cause anxiety, irritation, and anger.
• On fifth We talked about traumas that change us. They change us for the better because they make us realize values that were not noticed in ordinary life or simply did not exist. That trauma is not only about losses, but also about gains.

As one participant said: "From now on I can enjoy waking up in the morning. I can see this dawn, these colors... We get on our bikes almost every morning with the whole family and go to meet the dawn..."

• Sixth. The meeting was devoted to assessing all areas of life, their balance: which areas are too active, which are "sagging", and which are not involved at all. With this in mind, everyone made their life plans.

Interestingly, even without knowing what the next topic would be, the participants' requests almost always coincided with it. We felt and heard each other well. This means that we have chosen the right path. After all, parents heard themselves, although sometimes "my daughter", "my child", "we" slipped into their conversation... It was especially difficult for mothers to separate themselves from their children, but we managed to bring them back to us.

The women admitted that the atmosphere at home became better and warmer as soon as they started taking care of themselves. After all, when mom feels good, everyone around her feels good.

The anxiety that we noticed in the participants at first quickly changed to openness, a desire to speak from and about themselves. It was a joy to observe how these women seemed to turn on a light when they talked about their plans, desires, and dreams. We could see a noticeable reset taking place before our eyes - from painful to desirable.

At first, I didn't know what to expect. I had a fear that our life would not turn out the way I had once imagined. And so, after the treatment, I was always thinking about the future: how it would be, how my child would live tomorrow, and if the disease returned. That is, I was directing all my anxiety about things that might never happen to the present, traumatizing both myself and my child.

It was important for me to return to my old life. It seemed that I was not understood. In the group, when I heard other mothers who had more problems, but they were developing and striving for something, I wanted to catch up with them. Thanks to these six steps, I managed to put my head in order a bit, to realize that my fears only seem invincible. That it is possible to get along with them without being captured by them. It was a pleasant time, after which I finally felt calm in my soul. Calmness and elation."

Natalia

The fact that I went to the group was my first achievement. I knew it was cool, but still something was holding me back. It's uncomfortable to go beyond your own boundaries. And if it concerns a difficult topic, it's even scary. But I knew I had to go.

Despite the fact that my child has been in remission for ten years, the fear for him does not let go. The fear that the disease will return. That's why I am very scared to plan anything in advance.

In the group, I learned to shift attention from the child to myself. Hearing other people's stories, I realized how much we still bore children with our morbid attention. Working in the group gave me threads that I grabbed onto, and I am slowly climbing out of my fears.

I discovered so much about myself! That it is worth standing up for yourself, your desires, and your own boundaries. That it's okay to demand that others, including close people, respect them. My eyes were opened to the fact that "I am an adult" and therefore I decide, not someone else. Я! And this is my main achievement. With this realization, my life is slowly beginning to change. Because my guidelines have changed... I would like to continue these meetings. There is still much to work with. But what I have already grasped will stay with me forever.

Hope

After my daughter's treatment, the apartment became the only danger zone for me. Everything here was under my control. Everything outside of it caused a lot of anxiety. I realized that eventually I had to start going out. And this group was probably the best option. Yes, it was a way out of my comfort zone. But I had a goal - to establish a connection with my daughter, whom I lost through my fault, and to find myself as a person. I considered the latter to be secondary. But, as it turned out in the group, focusing on myself was the first thing I needed to learn in order to resolve a conflict with my child. This was my discovery.

My relationship with my daughter came to a standstill because of my overprotection. I understood this, but I wanted her to know that she had a mom who would always support her.

When we were undergoing treatment, everything was clear to me. Tests, treatment, procedures, regimen... We were together. I didn't have all these "why are you sleeping so much" or "you don't eat enough" questions. When she asked me to go out to talk on the phone, I went out. And it was no problem, because I knew she was here, close by, under the control of doctors. I was calm. But when we finished the treatment, removed the catheters, I was so afraid! I don't want to go home, what will I do there? I was afraid to go on living.

For a long time, I didn't take care of my other children, my husband, or myself. It was hard to get back to it all. How could I cope? In addition, I was afraid that the disease would return without my control.

"Why are you eating differently?", "Sleeping differently, behaving differently". I was constantly bothering my daughter with questions. I could see it in her eyes: "Stop torturing me, let me live," but I could not help myself.

After the group meetings, I began to analyze my conversations with my daughter: what was wrong on my part. I began to recall words that she used to say to me, but I didn't pay attention to them: "Mom, how much can we talk about how I slept and ate? Let's talk about you, about what you did today, what you embroidered, sewed? And in general, why don't you ask me about what's going on inside me?" It became clear to me that her state of mind, her psychological state, is important to her. I also feel that when I start talking to her about my own, she becomes more interested in communicating with me.

I know that if I had not joined this group, I would have destroyed my family and myself. I would have been a monster mom that everyone would have hated. But I want to be happy...

Oksana

Psychological support hotline fromPledges» the number 0 800 4000 23 is available:

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• for calls from abroad +38 050 493 03 07
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