"I am very sorry"

The topic of grief is taboo in our society. When everyone around us talks about beauty, success, and positive thinking, it is hard to understand a person who is experiencing misfortune, somehow It is embarrassing to disturb the general "idyll" by talking about their losses. At such moments (days, and sometimes years), she feels on the sidelines of this "celebration of life." "Who needs my problems?!" she thinks, remaining alone with her grief at a time when, in fact, she needs support and sympathy more than ever. At the same time, she needs the right kind of sympathy. At the very least, it should be such that she is not traumatized once again. And at the very least, it should really support her in her grief.і.

Unfortunately, we are not taught etiquette at school, how to behave and what to say to our neighbors when they are in grief. So we just copy what we have seen from adults who usually also protect us from the sad moments of life. This is where all this clumsy support and awkward and sometimes rude and tactless words of comfort come from.

Why does our society tend to avoid the topic of suffering? How to show compassion, what to say when a person is grieving, and what it is her real support? This will be the subject of another blog. from of our psychological special forces.

"If we don't talk about it, it won't happen to us." This is what children and ... young people of countries that have experienced many cataclysmic events think. Revolutions, repressions, wars, the Holodomor, the 90s, and wars again... Our society has been traumatized by all of this. Perhaps that's why any additional trauma is perceived as a trigger that can raise a strong anxiety wave inside us. If so, maybe we should just not let it in? To turn off feelings or avoid confrontation with something that threatens our still shaky sense of "stability."

In our country, even relatively prosperous times have always been so short that a basic sense of happiness simply did not have time to form, unlike in Germany, Denmark, or Finland.

This is the pain of our society. That's probably why it's so hard for us to sympathize openly. Because we are not sure that we will be able to morally bear it all.

Loneliness worsens all stages of grief

Loneliness worsens all stages of grief. This is worth remembering the next time you encounter a person who is grieving and find yourself thinking: "I'm not going to pry into their soul, I'll leave them alone." The fact that they don't have the energy to keep up a conversation or even say hello to you as usual doesn't mean that they don't care about your attention. They need it, they need to feel that there are those who share their pain and are ready to be there for them.

The word "ready" is the most important here, because only a person who has the strength to sympathize can really help someone through a misfortune by staying close. If you're not ready to plunge into someone else's misfortune, it's better to use a laconic polite one: "I'm sorry."

The key for a sympathetic person is not to pretend that nothing has happened

Sincerity is the main condition under which any words will be received with gratitude.

In moments of deep emotion, the falsity is especially acute, even if from the outside, on the level of rationality, everything seems to be quite decent.

When supporting a loved one, it is very important not to be a hypocrite, to say it like it is. And if you don't know what to say when a person is grieving, it will be quite human if you admit it: "I'm aware of your situation, but I'm sorry, I don't even know how to react or what to say." It's worse if instead you make something up and say things that aren't true.

If you have such a resource as time at your disposal and are morally ready to provide support in grief by listening to the person, then it is also better to say so: "Tell me what happened. Why? How did it happen?" In this way, you "do not pry into a person's soul" but give them the opportunity (allow) to tell their story, with all the details, emotions, and tears. This kind of speaking brings relief by organizing the chaos that occurs in the suffering soul. In the course of such a conversation, it is possible, and sometimes even necessary, to hold the person's hand or hug them so that they physically feel that they can lean on you.

"I sympathize and am very sorry that this happened. Can you tell me how I can help you?"

Offering help is far from a formality. In this situation, when a person is unable to think about anything else but their loss, life with its everyday problems does not disappear, and therefore someone is very much needed to take care of children with their daily worries, food for breakfast, pets, and safety. If you have the resources to provide such assistance, just do it. It will be better than any words.

What to say when a person is grieving? Taboo phrases for a person in grief

The clichéd phrases we often hear in movies: "Everything will be fine. Everything will get better" are unacceptable "reassurance" for a person who has suffered a disaster. What can be good when the world has turned upside down, when all previous life has been destroyed and it is not clear how to live on...

Another forbidden phrase: "I know how you feel. I also experienced it once...". It is too tactless to compare the depth of suffering. Each person has their own threshold of sensitivity and pain. And it is very rude to turn the conversation to your own story when there is a person who is experiencing pain here and now. This devalues their grief. It would be more appropriate to say: "I can't even imagine what you are feeling, how difficult it is for you now, how painful it is..."

"You need to move on. Life goes on!" - in the initial stages of grief, it is also better to avoid such encouraging phrases. It is believed that grief has its beginning and end. In particular, it will take a year or more to recover from the loss of a loved one. And if we are talking about the loss of a child, then, for example, in Israel, 7 years is considered the norm.

"In our society, there is a gag order on the disclosure of the truth. Not only about grief, but also about what people who experience tragedy face in our culture. We are supposed to smile, nod, and thank them for their concern - when in fact we want to scream: "Did you even think about that before you said that to me?"

From the book Let's Talk About Loss by Megan Devine

"Hold on!" are not the words that a broken person, exhausted from grief, would want to hear. Where can they get the strength to hold on? What to hold on to if all the supports have fallen? Quite the contrary, it is important to let go of everything, not to hold on to it, because such "heroic resilience" can lead to severe depression. A person who is in a state where the "ground is slipping away from under their feet" will respond more to the words of those who offer support rather than need it: "If you need anything, I'm here for you."

Sometimes it's better to just be quiet around

Sometimes it's good to say nothing at all. Just be there for you: "If you want to be silent, I will be silent next to you." Help is not always an action. Sometimes a silent presence can be better support than helpless fussing and phrases from the category of "to fill the pause".

During the grieving process, people are prone to dramatic changes in their lives. They may get divorced, quit their jobs, or move to another city. Such an escape is humanly understandable, but, according to experts, it will not save you from pain and will only worsen the situation. That is why it is so important to find a person who is able to keep the "fugitive" from such destructive actions in time.

Therapeutic groups for bereaved people have been operating abroad for a long time. It is a fairly common practice there. When a person sees that he or she is not alone, that others are also facing loss, it becomes a little easier. After all, by listening to how others manage to cope with their grief, they find a way that can help them as well. In Ukraine, this practice is just emerging. In fact, in this sense, everything is just beginning here...

P.S. Megan Devine's book Let's Talk About Loss. You're hurting and it's okay" is autobiographical. It is valuable because, in addition to its main goal of helping to find peace of mind after the loss of a loved one, it shares practical advice with those who are close to a grieving person and want to support them. She will tell you how to do this without traumatizing them with friendly, but tactless and sometimes quite cruel words.

Psychological support hotline fromPledges» the number 0 800 4000 23 is available:

• free
• throughout the territory of Ukraine
• from all mobile operators
• for calls from abroad +38 050 493 03 07
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